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In my fourth year of being clean and sober, I find myself questioning the need to remain transparent with my doctors, pharmacist, and accountability partners. You see, I'm a recovering chemical addict with legitimate need for pain control. Having a “shoulda been fatal” car wreck and numerous back surgeries has left me with, at times, excruciating pain. I'm questioning this at this time because I see a new pain management doctor in a couple of weeks.
In the beginning, I proudly, with chest puffed, proclaimed to each health care professional my decision to stop abusing pills. I even discussed the “tricks” I had used over the years. I've known since the beginning that continued sobriety is dependent on my being open and honest. So, why am I now reconsidering? Because, over time. The pain has become more severe, and my doctors hesitate to prescribe narcotics for my pain based on my previous transparency. I should also say that my age doesn't help! When did I become so physically fragile??
Yes, I've had numerous prescriptions for pain medications during my four years of recovery. Being transparent and accountable has kept me from relapse, so why “fix” what isn't broken? “Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”
So, is there ever enough sober time to allow a recovering addict to back away from transparency? No! I have enough time sober that even this hesitation has thrown me back to a time when I wasn't even sure I would have the courage to walk into or stay at a meeting, more less handle a full bottle of Vicodin or Percocet in my addict's predictably addictive hands! It hit me very hard that I never want to resume the past. In closing, transparency is absolutely essential to continued recovery because “it's not what I know in recovery that keeps me sober; but rather, it's what I do.”