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Recently I have been going through a rough patch in both my addiction and eating disorder recovery. My depression has sunk to an all time low and I have had a hard time picking myself back up. There is a lesson that this low period has taught me, however.
Throughout my recovery I have always tried to be in the best mood possible. I have tried to be grateful for the small things when things seemingly can't go the way I'd like them to. I try not to take anything for granted because I know how very lucky and blessed I am to be alive and well today. That being said, this way of thinking has gotten me into a bit of a rough spot recently. My obsessive need to be okay and to portray an image of strength and wellness to those around me has currently backfired.
On a particularly bad day, I posted something on my social media feeds. Within minutes I had four messages from people asking me if I was okay. Had I been in a better frame of mind, I would have been grateful that they cared enough to check up on me. However, being down and angry and depressed, I instead got very frustrated. First I was frustrated at others for not seeing that I'm allowed to have bad days, and then secondly at myself for having a bad day in the first place.
Once I calmed down enough to see clearly, I realized that I had stumbled upon a huge realization: it is perfectly okay to have bad days. It's okay to have moments or days where not everything is going perfectly. It's okay to make mistakes, to be sad, to be angry and to want to spend time alone. Bad days happen and as long as they don't turn into weeks and months it's okay to take some time to just allow yourself to feel the way you feel, even if they emotion isn't a 'positive' one. Finding balance with feeling emotions is something that everyone could work on, especially those who used or engaged in eating disordered behaviors to run from their feelings before.
This realization also brought something else forward: it is okay for people to care and it is perfectly healthy to ask for help during these times. This period of depression has made me see that I have been afraid to ask for help or to admit that I'm not okay because of my need to protect this image of perfection in my recovery. I will never be perfect and those around me who are supportive and caring would be glad to help me out during times of need. I'm so used to helping everyone else that I didn't think that I'd need help myself. Realizing this has made me so appreciative of the loving people who reached out to make sure I was okay. I have learned that it feels good to let myself be the real me and that those around me love me regardless of how I am feeling.
I am happy to say that this rough patch is over and I owe it to those supportive people that I surround myself with. Although it was depressing and difficult at the time, it taught me two valuable lessons that I will take with me in my recovery journey. It felt good to just let myself feel and to not have to hide the way I was feeling. It felt amazing to be real and not to pretend just because of a false sense of pride and perfectionism. I hope that you all reading will allow yourselves to be you, no matter what emotion you may experience. And remember, it's okay to have bad days, they're a natural part of the recovery process.